A cancer diagnosis can be unsettling, to say the least. It is easy to fall into a dark hole as one thinks about all of the potential and frightening outcomes of a diagnosis. It is also very isolating: a cancer patient can be surrounded by hundreds of people but can still feel very alone. I know we are all different, but I found it helpful for me to remain as positive as possible and to intentionally and consciously surround myself with only positive energy, vibes, self-talk, etc. I also found it helpful to find and build a tribe of friends, which I ultimately referred to as my “mafia,” to walk beside me and support me along my journey.
As a healthcare executive, I had always said that if I were to get cancer, I’d keep my diagnosis to myself and tell only a select few in my family. Like most things in my life, when I’ve declared a statement as absolute, the opposite ends up manifesting or occurring. This was true of my cancer diagnosis.
I realized early on that I needed my tribe around me if I were going to beat cancer. That tribe included family and close friends, and surprisingly to me, several acquaintances that have become close friends as a result of my journey. Fortunately, all of those folks had one thing in common: they also believed in keeping a positive outlook, and they helped hold me up and redirect me during the challenging, dark days, which every cancer patient is sure to experience along the journey.
As I reflect back on the ways my tribe has helped me, there are 10 things that stand out.
1 Helping hands. I had friends from across the country who volunteered to stay with me while I recovered from cytoreductive surgery with hyperthermic intraperitoneal chemotherapy (HIPEC). I had family stay with me for 6 weeks, and following that, I had 11 different friends stay with me, at my home, over several weeks. They drove me to appointments, lifted my dog (when I couldn’t lift more than 5 pounds for several weeks), helped around the house, and, most importantly, provided me with company while I healed. We laughed together, cried together, and just spent time relaxing together. I believe having such a deep level of support from friends helped accelerate my healing.
2 Healing hands. Several members of my tribe helped me in ways I couldn’t have initially predicted. When I found out that I would need to have my 39 staples removed at home, I recruited a friend who is a nurse. She came to my home and carefully removed all 39 staples. I also had a friend who recommended a primary care doctor when I knew I needed someone who could problem-solve and handle the complexities of a cancer patient. When it came to healing, my tribe expanded to include my new problem-solving-extraordinaire primary care doctor, a physical therapist trained to treat cancer patients, an occupational therapist who specialized in lymphedema, and a dietician who helped me settle my anxious mind by encouraging me to eat enough protein to ensure my physical healing. To help keep my nervous system in check, I turned to 2 very incredible network chiropractors who aided me in so many ways, and also to a therapist who specialized in trauma—because a cancer diagnosis can create a lot of trauma.
3 The right mindset. It was important to me to have folks with the right mindset around to help me prepare for my treatment and then to assist with my healing. Fortunately, my friends and family were quite supportive, but I also had to lean very much on my faith to keep a positive mindset and keep focused on healing versus allowing the fear of my diagnosis and treatment to overtake me. When anxiety crept in, I leaned on a breathing practice and meditation to calm my mind.
4 Laughter and lightness. During a heavy time, I leaned on levity. I have one friend in particular who really helped with that. We would make jokes about almost everything. (You should hear the stories we made up to address future questions about the scar I have from my sternum to stem.) We would often get together and laugh until we cried, and that release of emotions was so powerful for me.
5 Company when it counts. My family came to Houston with me to support me in advance of and through my surgery. That was hugely important to me in terms of keeping my mindset strong and providing me comfort. When I returned home, I had friends who rotated staying with me for weeks, to give my family a break. Having company was incredibly valuable to me, and I credit that for how quick and “easy” my healing journey was. Having family and friends around so that you are not alone is imperative.
6 A distraction from my current state. I had a few friends visit me during my hospital stay, and it was such a welcome distraction for me. I used the opportunity to hear all about their days and what was going on in their lives so as to put my focus on something outside of my recovery. I always appreciated the friends who came over to play games with me, watch documentaries, or get me out of the house for a short walk or short shopping trip.
7 Reminders that I was cared for. A handwritten card has become a rarity in our world of technology and texting, but nothing made me smile more than a card in the mail. It’s an easy way to help your friend dealing with cancer to feel less alone. I also appreciated notes, cards, reach-outs from friends who had cancer or other illnesses who indicated that they really “got” what I was going through. Really, any form of reaching out is valued—calls, texts, Facebook messages. As an extrovert, what I appreciated most was those who took time out of their busy schedules to stop by and spend time with me.
8 Allowing me a safe place to express and just be. A cancer diagnosis results in a lot of complex feelings, and I found it helpful to have family and friends that gave me a safe space to express what I was feeling, to then feel those feelings, to heal how I needed to heal. I found that people often don’t know what to say, for fear of saying the wrong things. What I would recommend is not thinking that you have to say anything to your friend with cancer, but rather, creating an environment and safe space for your friend to just be.
9 Being honest about their feelings. I very much valued and appreciated when my family or friends openly expressed to me that they weren’t sure what to say or told me what was hard for them through my diagnosis, treatment, and recovery. I found expression takes away the awkward veil that can hang over relationships. Don’t be afraid to say “I’m not sure what to say, but here is how I feel…” Giving grace is really important, for both sides—for the patient to give family/friends and vice versa.
10 Arguably, most importantly, all the love, light, positive thoughts and prayers. I don’t think I would have gotten through my treatment and recovery without all of the love showered on me—from family and friends both near and far. They worked magic for me! When in doubt about what to do to support someone you love who has cancer, manifest positivity, give prayers, and endlessly express your love for the person. Having a strong tribe of people who support you truly does make a difference to someone with cancer!
When I began writing this, I knew I wanted to acknowledge my needs, believing that others diagnosed with cancer would identify with some of them. I also wanted to share the many ways my family and friends—my tribe—were able to help me throughout my treatments and recovery. Whether you have cancer or you care about someone who has cancer, I hope you found these suggestions helpful.
